My thoughts feel small, as if my vocabulary shrunk in the dryer. That machine devours socks, so why not intangible little words held in place by other intangible things like memory.
Rather than think tonight about the dogs, the training, and the image of myself standing inept with a red leash in my hand, I poke through others' words. On the Internet I read blogs -- little daily rants that are often flecked with gold and insight. When the dark gets darker and the weight grips us with iron fingers, when pills, booze, and overpowering frustration drive us into short-tempered angry fits, we finally set down the heavy void on paper. Trap it on a page, kick it around, and share it. I have an old friend in Pa that deserves the world, if only the world -- the web of people connected to her through jobs, loans, family, friends, and random chance, would just spit a little life into its rancid heart and help out.
______________________
He calls me goddess, and I blush like a fool.
The goddess of…wreckage trying to sweep her life back together using a toothpick in the dark?
Driving to work today after another morning with the dogs on a leash: sit, stay, stay! Shit….I think I have an answer.
To my poor, flawed mortal, to the eager man who grasps at temptation and error like shiny diamonds, you will struggle eternally to answer unanswerable questions like finding your soul, keeping it safe, preserving its light and energy to endure after your body's death. You will feel pain and heartache for your entire life -- the worst wound will be regret. Yet the determination and hope that fuel your power to strive in full armor and wrath against these truths is the gods' gift to every floundering mortal. Catch us if you can.
You are beautiful, but so many things are out of reach. Happiness is hidden in your heart and in the world, but we the gods won't tell you where to search. We can see it, however. It is real.
In my dark basement with cold soaking into my feet, I think that a glass of wine is more appropriate than pondering gilded myth.
Where is the sun?
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