Hello?

My friend
What you have is not whole

Sunrise is blinding and long
Days grow strange without sleep

Winter's ice coats a Christmas tree
Love me?

Life is just a pebble
Throw it

I awake wondering...

Four Dogs On A Free Afternoon

Lemonade light washed over stones

we hiked through a burst of dry falling leaves 

from shadows in a shallow valley i pushed higher

autumn colors played tricks on me

old field stones sat waiting uphill

a home without walls 

just remnants now -- a cast iron stove, old ceramic utensils, and no one anywhere that remembers

the pug stumbles toward me and sits where mossy ground is warm

i tell him, if you want the sun, go up…

and we were up

a high point with horizon all around

wrapped in forest walls where the breeze steals my voice

I have not liked my words much lately, but I remember reading that even bad poetry , for example, is something.

What is creativity? Every day is a story. I remembered the way sunlight rippled on Lily's fur. The other dogs found comfort on soft moss or heat soaked earth where they stretched and sniffed autumn's breeze. Calling to Hershey, my voice vanished in the wind.

Solace on a simple day.

Going to hand out candy later and serve a few beers. 

Closing time -- a gentle neon low light, background blues and a glass of wine.

Solace on a simple night.

Cyan Pales 

The day's sapphire died in a cranberry sunset

you're just another heartache

you'll fade too

Autumn's lavender and cinnamon day

was quick to give her light away

i saved a photo of you

a tide that won't come back

----------------------

I want to say a thousand things. I want words in an avalanche, but my thoughts are quiet. My lips silent.

Maybe I should just push my fingers along the keys.

Halloween is close. Maybe I can get outside myself awhile...

Just Keeping The Thoughts Moving

I was falling 

my heart

your beat

your breath

my less

i am no good at this

-------

I have been keeping these words quiet for days, thinking more might be coming. Apparently they are a worm, not a caterpillar….

So much on my mind. Happy Friday. Happy 13.

thin sliced

I never knew you
or how you looked in mixed up shadows
choppy light through window shades

I never soaked you in --
just me watching you toss your shower towel to the floor

I never knew you
and the hundreds of girls you told me about

What kind of phantom did you make
stumbling at dawn a dancing drowsy shuffle back to bed
what kind of love is that?

You laughed and wondered what I would think
if I ever knew you
what kind of love is that?

Cool Nights

just a kiss

of silk 

of fire 

i'll die without it

i remember you

I was dreaming of Cape Cod sunsets as a kid standing on the shore when my father asked, can you hear it? A perfect orange into a perfect sea.

Remember summertime ringing in your ears and sand in your hair? A funny glance from a funny boy who came closer and closer.

Remember September's broken heart? 

Forget it

I sit alone with my wine
hopes crashing like delicate keepsakes

My heart feels like concrete
a subtle blending of stones
maybe I'll find you to smash it again

Each beat is a battle
but the sun rises up and then it falls down
i feel like doing the same thing

I remember your laughter
in my head like a bomb
your kiss a stab I should

forget

-----------

I rode tonight in an August like autumn with gentle wind telling me something. Keep going. Shadows fell an inch at a time building darkness.

That's Me, On The Right

He died tonight in the middle of a hot, sticky day as wild asters burst open and coral tea roses bloomed. Our town police dog is now part of the organic things that grow and fade, and grow again. Rest, my friend. 

----------

Dawn's blush lit the sky -- scarlet stained as sunrise came.

Honeysuckle bloomed and the air smelled like a cotton candy summer day.

From tight buttons to reds and deep blues flung wide, my flowers bloomed.

Without waiting for Monday's heat to fade the lightning came.

It flared. Thunder boomed. I thought of something beautiful and brief. A daylily. Open then closed, with fleeting orange in between. Life and death in the flower beds.

I have been silent inside. I keep my hands busy and I keep the dogs busy while I wait. For a word, a whisper, a broken phrase just to get things turning.

Sometimes I start with borrowed thoughts, then purge them for my own.

Sometimes words tumble out from nowhere.

I toss unfinished vodka and tonic from the glass. Maybe it's the ice hitting the sink at closing time. Maybe it's sudden rain on the window. A sight or sound or nothing at all might prompt a thought -- maybe a song about rumpled love letters or a blood red convertible pulling into the pizza place -- its open sign shimmers pink pink pink.

A friend went out on his boat today. He laughs at me because I don't own a bathing suit. He wonders if I even float.

Like a stone, I said.

I showed him a photo of smoothed rocks on Lake Zoar's ragged shore.

I said, that's me, on the right.

Here And There

I threw you my heart

as you looked away

i got love in my eyes

but it's missing in our kiss

hey

i think it's time to go

a girl's gotta worry

about the days and years that wear down her soul

------------------

She was an old woman waiting for morning

fresh coffee and a worn red chair

years ago her husband died 

and she spent her days looking back instead of ahead

the sun pushed through old curtains and found an old woman

waiting for morning

-------------------

I've been cranky, he said

i knew what he meant

gotta find something that satisfies you, I told him

and it's not something from other people

it's gotta be you

Just A Way Finder

Does everybody cry

the way i do

when wind slaps dreams around

are they scared too

does everybody feel

emptiness like pain

cold as a stone at night

do they wish your name

With a toothbrush in my hand I watch Lily's ears perk toward a battered tennis ball. She'll attack it again when the shadows move.

Why do the words disappear when i want them most?

Waiting Forever For A word Or Two

I said I love you

but it blew away in the wind

i tried to reach for you

but the dream was too thin

you're an echo

an echo

a name i'll keep saying

as it blows away in the wind

We lost our radio connection at the bar. In a panic of silence i rummaged through the mop closet for CDs I had seen stashed a few years before. Finding just one, I have listened for days to Badlands,  a rendition of Bruce Springsteen's Nebraska. Covers of his songs by other artists are haunting. The sorrow is beautiful as I stock beer bins and empty my wine glass.

My thoughts fly everywhere, but never break free from you. You tether me to something. Someday and somewhere.

On A Rainy Friday Afternoon

I was watching wind write poems on the sea

falling in love with pink scrub roses and dunes

their sugar scents and a sliver moon

i want to give my heart away

a bottle, a pen, a note afloat to you

on an outgoing tide on a rainy afternoon

The daffodil’s sudden yellow made me gasp in the morning sun
where yesterday there was none


i’d give a penny for his thoughts
a lifetime to his dreams
if they were about me


but sometimes dreaming in the wine
isn’t worth my stained lips


i would give a lifetime to spend a day in the sun
dreaming in black and white shooting stars
find love like lightning
where yesterday I had none

got a shiny penny for that?

Snippets From A Sunday

At closing time the blues man played

head bent and heart like a rainbow, he sang

one of these days i'll catch the right train

one of these days i'll do it for me

i hear those guitar notes again

rising like an April sun unlocking me

how does it happen

a tornado inside me

under a new moon's dark pools 

your soul like a mountain came 

in a fog i thought you might love me 

but the hot pink light outside the bar went out again

years and months could go by

but a day will come

to put you down

to walk away and be done

don't you have somewhere else to be

somewhere that you'll forget about me

A dying day's light shined on the lake

you thought you might love me

watching steam on my coffee cup

i knew it was time

a tide rolling away

my things stuffed in a bag 

i felt like nothing 

one day i'll catch the right train

one day i'll do it for me

a waterfall inside me

I Made A Promise To Spit It All Out

I kept staring at the full moon

like it could hear my question

like i could hear its answer

as if it understood me

just by shining on me

from far away 

why why

-------------------

Justin hated the lesbian. He slammed doors and banged chairs around while she made coffee. 

He said, who asked you to come in? She filled her lips with the first light, sweet sip.

I snagged the newspaper before Justin could rip out the crossword.

The lesbian and I sat with steaming mugs on a weary couch on Saturday -- early sunlight on her skin almost gave her away. 

But nobody knew just by looking at her. 

Nobody knew her inside. 

No one could tell who she needed to be when someone like Justin woke up angry.

I mean, what do you do with a guy banging around in early September when he realizes that the girl he jammed last night -- shrouded in cigarette smoke with his heart pounding in his ears -- was a lesbian?

Starting Small, Just Like Spring

Dawn stirred

spring slid with the sun across winter's dead fields

leaves trembled over hard ground

it held everything 

she whispered its name

raising green from the soil again

begging life from the clay

Throwing Pennies At It

A neon sign burned red holes in the night

I wiped away spilled beer remembering unfinished hopes 

remembering you

I tried fitting you into words but got lost

thought I would take a chance

like sunrise i would just happen suddenly 

warmth and light

but it wasn't right 

not this time

so I stuck my heart in my hands and let it burn

i cried and wanted you

saw my reflection in the well

started throwing pennies at it

Spring will dawn in a few days; she'll lift her head and bloom.

Ink babble, and a lot of it…

Can you put it together

add light to the stars

can you see it in pieces

bringing shine to a pearl

a poem a song a prayer

from a girl

----------

look, i just sit alone

with a pen and drinking wine

you made me happy

like everything new

sunshine and rainbows

and god damn summer dew

----------

do you keep the bottle

and all my bleeding notes

do you feel happy

the smell of cigarettes in the rain and old smoke

i still wear your sweater 

in a silver fall rain

we wait for darkness 

for the end of a day

----------

it's spartan in here

i guess you can't see

a pastel plaster corner

where i kept no TV

propped up on coke and war memories

you threw Johnny Walker at the door

listening to music

who plays this peace creep stuff anyway

----------

love's a cold weather game

giving out little bits of heart

little broken crumbs

----------

Stars were sliding slowly on a blackened sky while small and far below i waited for a sound or spark or hint of light.

Light n Sweet

You live like a ripple

i live like a stone

i can't think about you

all i do is cry

i just want to touch you

i want to feel whole

i dream your name as i sleep

like it's something i stole

your eyes shine with longing

i should have given you control

but if i think about you

something crumbles inside

i remember your laughter

soft cotton laughter

i live like a shadow

you live like the sky

but one day i'll find you

one day i won't cry

Almost Love

let me just hurt tonight

i ran out of words for you

love isn't love

and true isn't true

i ran out of words for you

but the rain is coming

i smell it on the wind

whipping and screaming like a train

just let me cry tonight

what could i say

love like a waterfall washing away

but love isn't love

and true isn't true

i ran out of words for you

or maybe i do

believe in a kiss like sunrise breaking the day

---------------

I Used To Be On Fire

he smiled

i loved him

i told him everything i had

but time started slipping

he stopped coming home

i stood alone in the cold

a swollen moon chased Orion

the two of them dancing forever that way

they've done this before

the lead and the follow

the heart and the hollow

i used to be on fire

i tore out the phone and died when he left

a long time of crying and beer

and strangers 

over and over were strangers staring at me

touching my hair

it's like they could see it

my broken light 

i used to be on fire

i locked the doors and cried myself raw when he left

i loved him

never pictured the end

then i saw his eyes 

her red hair mirrored there

he said he was leaving

the memory still stabs me

i used to be on fire

the heart and the hollow

such a perfect pair

It was a long time ago, but I feel it again. Beautiful love somehow changing.

So Tired Of This Unfinished Song 

I needed to spin in the softness

taste candy on your lips

i propped you up in butterscotch and fantasy

love me?

i don't even know you

just footprints in the snow

corner me

kiss me

push your hands through my hair

turn me and spin me 

the sun is still down

i trampled through midnight's fresh snow on the ground

spin me and kiss me

snow

shattered diamonds around

spin me and hold me

dusty prints stamp the ground

Asking The Sky

Daybreak stains the horizon -- she wipes tangerine streaks low on a waking sky. 

I am here again, where I have always been at my window throwing wishes at the dawn.

-------------

I look at a half moon in the sky

tracing empty hearts against the night

the stars never answer

if you'll ever be mine

I only want a couple things

happy and satisfied

If I Was Not Drinking I would Be Crying

I got trouble

it eats away at me

how do i pay off my sorrows

and all the things that haunt me

i fell in love, you know how it goes

rainbows and daydreams

but oh, the troubles

love

reach into your guts for everything you've got

and use it like a bomb

do it again tomorrow, promise me

easy as stirring coffee

it's a never-ending wave

a dawn forever breaking

everything

if freedom ever comes it might be more than i can do

hold my hand

Just A Cold January Thought

tears on my cheeks

a dirty wine glass

can you tell me if i could be

something to you

the music ended

i had these empty dreams 

tell me 

what good could i be to you

i stay up at night

pour myself a glass

tell me

what am i to you

sinking sun and wintry cold

who am i to you

i feel like a stone

gotta take back my levity

gotta shine like a lighter soul

what if i never caught your eye

tell me

between me and you

-----------------

Again, i promised myself and my dormant writer's heart that I would throw a few words on the page. Didn't say I would bring them to life again, but I will get there.

I got this broken poem…

a wintry soul

nobody's fault

love grows cold

love grows cold

no one's fault but my own

where did it go?

your laughter was a sunrise

your touch was like a flood tide

gotta tell you that i'm angry 

gotta tell you that it hurts

can you let me go

just let me go

the winter sky is raining

let me go

just let me go

-----------------------------

They held hands under an umbrella on the sidewalk in the rain. A woman and her child moved up the library's steps Monday, and left me wondering.

----------------------------

I have not been feeling it lately, but I will write things down. that's gotta do more than nothing at all…

A Midnight Thought

My roadkill heart

messy eyes

i love you

my soul's undressed

fingers like vines

your dagger smile

i love you

A long time ago in anger he told me, you don't have to like it.

I don't.

beautiful sunlight on vanilla snow is just an impression you know

i've got a bucket of stardust
i've got dreams to share
we can start so slow so slow
press against me
see where we go

timid smile
honey on my lips
take a sip
gentle gentle gently
fill gaps i can't see
quiet quiet quietly

shooting stars flew
five overhead and i remember you
under a sullen January moon
orange on the horizon and drifting over town
tossing shadows around me
quiet quiet quietly
-----------
Life's a riot sometimes. Like when you're sitting in the car in the cold with breath misting quiet air. You just wanna throw your whole life out there in a rush, a stone in the well, but you don't.
-----------
I would write more, but I am just not feeling it. The words are all so forgettable to me. The spark is missing. That little snap of life that warms you forever or burns you down.
----------
A new year started and I need to get my head back in it. Gotta dust off the sadness and pry my soul free.

For You

i love you, no matter what happens

and you’ve always been right

about our life 

the snow 

the sunrise

good things that fall apart

you say i’ve gotta grow up

bloodshot eyes 

i'm coming unglued

whatever happens, i love you

----------------

I got a debt i can't pay

he loves me so much

he's crying at me

just being myself

but not enough

i got this debt i can't pay

says i don't kiss him anymore

and doom at my door

got this debt that's so heavy

i think i'm afraid

dull eyes and tired face 

so am i, he tells me

----------------

sometimes things gotta change

water to ice

clouds to rain

things don't always stay the same

i feel it coming

such a slow tide

sometimes things gotta change

smoke to fire

dusk to black

things we got don't always remain

----------------