Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Things That Go Bump In My Head


Of course I drink as much as possible. What the hell else is booze good for? Well, I used to feel that way. I used to buy big bottles, not necessarily good bottles. The drinker is an old monster, among other haunts…


The truth will set you free? The truth will also knock the wind out of you in a drab living room in Derby where I tried to sleep in a chair once but the sounds of belittlement aimed at me from the guy on the couch kept me awake.


Just another visit…

I had noticed dead foliage crumbling on his porch, falling from flower pots I had planted that spring. I sucked in a desperate breath of cold air and knocked.


He opened the door and stared at me. With glassy eyes and gray wispy hair curling around his ears, his jaw worked nervously -- fingers tapping patterns. He let me in.


We stood in a foyer with a staircase leading to one occupied room in a hall with others that sat preserved under a cloud of dust and neglect, touched only by his contempt for those who had once lived and slept in those other beds.


Downstairs his stuffed chairs and sprawling couch In the living room were all at perfect angles. I watched him brush off a pillow, then stare at the wall.


Where were you? he asked.


Nowhere, I said.


It snowed. Your car at your apartment was never cleaned off. After a few days I went in with the police to look for you. Where were you? he asked.


I wasn't there, I said.


I had split with him and on a whim I went to Daytona Bike Week 2003 with someone I knew only enough to say hello -- because I was free. I had fun and we bitched to one another about exes neither of us knew, drank beer, rode his bike, and I was happy in my sunglasses in Florida where I never expected to be.


Then I came home. I had to go see him. The break was recent and he was worried about me, he said. Come see me, he said. I will always be the biggest fool I have ever known.


Where were you? he shouted at me.


He shoved me against one of the chairs. I got my balance back and he shoved me every time I straightened up. I bounced off the corner chair again and finally decided to stay there. Screaming now, he demanded, where were you?


I went to Florida.


With who!


A friend's roommate.


Who?


I told him.


Where does he live?


I don't know.


I was back on my feet and leaving.


That's it, I said.


You tell him, I am really good in the dark.


I imagined him decades ago sitting in the sweaty hell of Vietnam and I thought, maybe you were then, but not now.


Anyway, Halloween is coming, and the monsters are out.




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