I finally confessed to a dog trainer that yes, they would certainly size me up in this house filled with wayward dogs, slip a pistol from its holster, and aim for my head.

The pug has a cough, the lab has patches of bare, healing wounds where Lily's teeth punctured the skin, Bandit is just too damn fat to look at, and Lily is a bouncing, jittering, surge of energy.

One dog or even two or three at a time is fine, but all four at once makes me want to walk out back and knock my head against the stone wall. The ivy leaves appear to be holding their breath in for the winter, exposing perfect, rough stretches of sharp rock. As the cinched leaves await the sun's warmth to unfurl, my rotten forehead will leave marks on the stone flecked with glistening mica and my stupid blood.

OK, I only daydream of knocking myself out, but I can picture things flying into the stones and smashing in loud, explosive bursts of porcelain or glass.

Sadly, another avalanche is in the forecast for Tuesday into Wednesday, carrying more huge servings of snow to pile onto the more than 18 inches already underfoot. Up to my knees in the woods with the dogs lately, my legs are sore, my palms hurt from tripping and crashing to the ground, and every day starts out cold and damp, despite the blinding glare rising from the bleached white ground.

Did anyone ever see William Hurt burst from the depravation tank and run hard into the wall, thrashing as his form devolved from human to something more guttural and primitive? That is me in the morning lately. Stand back, please.

Blurb from my SOS note to the trainer…

I spoke with XXXX over the weekend, and she suggested I contact you.

I have several dogs, but my largest concern is my German shepherd that I rescued one year ago. She was about a year old when I adopted her, only 46 pounds, and suffered from what we eventually found was a digestive problem that we are treating. She is a big 80 pounds now. She is agile, eager, and really enjoying her strength and energy. We run in the woods every morning and at night when we have the sunlight. She loves to chase sticks, but her play can be rough. I have taken my lab in for patch-ups twice because of Lily, the shepherd, asserting herself, or protecting her place near me, or grabbing for my lab's tennis ball or stick. Since she has her new, healthy body, I can't walk her on the street. She lunges at cars.

She also tends to nip in a playful way, which prevents me from going anywhere near other dogs....

I would like to address these things, and also find a job for Lily. She is attentive and I assume a good learner. I don't want to waste her abilities. I would like to learn to handle her behavior, and successfully train her. Her prior owner taught her commands in German, and she tends to lay down flat when she really wants something.

Of course, my other dogs could use lessons in Come, Stay, etc, but Lily is my biggest worry.

I would also like to be able to rescue dogs competently, with the ability to safely take a rescue in and keep the pack adjusted. I have a huge soft spot for dogs, but lack any training to go with it.

While I fear XXXX or another trainer will size up my situation and just shoot me, I believe it is time I get the lessons I need to keep us all happy...SOS.