I have to control the food and water, keep them separated, provide daily training, go for more than one walk as recommended. I have to get it right get it right get it right. The problem? I am at work and away from the dogs. I am at the perfect distance to do neither harm nor good.

Problem two is my mood.

Three is finding money for training, vet visits, special diets, medicines, and the hundreds of sheets of paper towels I rip through then toss at the tile to soak up fresh flowing urine running in a tidy little stream across the grout.

Four is the thought that I might not make it after learning what I learned today. I learned how to practice commands with the dogs and keep them listening. I learned to use their name first if I wanted them to follow. I learned to simply say Sit or Come or Wait or Quiet as an order. I learned to enforce my orders. I learned that I am an idiot.
Patty is a professional trainer who met me today. I wanted her to help me make certain that everyone in the house is safe and happy. What's the use of helping Lily get better if she's not at peace in the house? What is the point of being anywhere that is not peaceful?

Why did you rescue her, Patty asks.
Look at her. I have a reason for every rib, every hip and leg bone.

You have how many dogs? You can't keep adding strays and rescues, she said. I think: how many days in a year? How many times am I capable of driving to the pound, filling the truck with dirty snouts and tails, muddy paws, fleas, drool, fur, and driving home. To me I don't pick up strays or rescues. I have four dogs. They are mine I love them I need to learn to deal with them.

Training. I am standing in a pair of flip flops with a toothpick raised like a spear and wondering how to stab it into the ice and climb the glacier. I am standing in my living room in a pair of hiking boots with a dog leash wondering how to rejoin the normal world where people say and do rational stuff. As if anything makes sense.

The trainer is competent and equipped to knock me back to kindergarten, speak slowly, and make sure I get it. Seriously, thank God for her help, her tact in the presence of a very impulsive bleeding heart. Thank God she will return.

Patience Lily. I need patience. I need my dogs safe and healthy.

I had a complete meltdown today, which I will keep to myself.

Lily lily lily, hungry Lily has been chomping on a raw diet with supplements and twice today she left us a present. Unlike the runny muck she has been dropping in puddles as frequently as once an hour, she did a new trick tonight. Twice she laid something down in one piece and hours apart.