Scattered. Much of my life is made up of stuff I would never put on a list of things to do to buy to ask Santa to bring me.

Like when I finally lose my temper with the dogs. I am not angry with them, but I wake with these lingering frustrations like trying to walk uphill in hot sand. Again I stand there poorly equipped with a spoon for a paddle and barefoot under the sun.

I know my temper is bad when Hershey trips me and I am so upset with her that I am in tears. If fury doesn't spill where it should it just waits. It waited for me to hand out dog treats today and stupidly I left one dangling and delicious looking in front of Lily who has learned to take it from my fingers. Usually I am looking. Today, nope. I guess I momentarily left the planet and there was my body unattended, treats in hand, and surrounded by drooling dogs.

She got my fingers. I zipped back from Nowhereville where my mind had been adrift on empty thoughts, focused on Lily and screamed at her.

There is no more terrible feeling than to watch my uncomprehending dog cringe and hang her head when I did something different, stupid and wrong. Not her.

Jogging today I wondered about towels that Ed had received during a surprise party. They were black with orange and white stitching. A Harley logo sat centered in the fabric and I wonder where his towels went. My friend Jim told me that Ed had lingered horribly. Why didn't I go to see him?

Jerry watches TV and the broadcast is a countdown of courtroom outbursts. People spit on one another riot throw slaps that swipe very business-like lipstick across an angry face someone throws a chair a punch a shoe another punch they throw their own bodies across tables trying to tackle to grab scratch rip and injure.

How does it happen?

Everyone has a breaking point, Jerry answers.

I wonder if they feel sanity slipping as the point approaches when rage blots out everything else. Is it like the tide coming in or a rip in the heavens as all the water in the world pelts down? Crappy people. Even ornery dogs know when to leave one another alone. People just close in and taunt and corner one another. They do harm. On purpose. Because people are shitheads.

I sit with Lily at my feet and remember Jerry saying hours earlier: she needs a bath. Give her a bath!

Now I can smell her, too, but it's not icky to me. It's Lily.

Some days I am trapped in my head. I have had with me at times proper pills to remove the gauze and clear the webs so I can walk without crashing into the dusty old crap jammed in my memory -- still hot to the touch. They have been sitting here in the same place for years. I look down and see that the carpet is worn through and the path evident. How many times does my mind drag me back here to when I told mom I hated her to when I dropped a toad in a hole too deep for it to jump out and tried desperately to dig it back up. A garden shovel is useless in a little girl's hands. I see myself steeling a fake flexible ring from a department store counter.

I told on my brother once. I just told mom that he did something and there he was, a little boy playing in the yard happily and oblivious that his mother was angry and stepping across the yard to get him. I watched over her shoulder as she yelled at him and made him sit in the scary corner under the phone near the basement stairs.

Mommy, I didn't, he sobbed. Finally as I watched I did not feel the fun of misbehaving. I felt terrible for my brother. What if mom suddenly yanked me away from a decent day and punished me?

I think everyday when I wake up my uneasy mind stretches a few times, then leaps back in from the sleepy corner where I had tossed it with yesterday's clothes, taking over my day like a punishment. Ha ha ha, all day long, and back we go to tread the same worn carpets through the maze of lousy memories I can't seem to pack up and cart away.

I could really set up a nice blaze and clean this junk out. But, then what?

For now I take Lily down the road and back and point my energy in a positive direction. Just a bad day today. Try again tomorrow.